Billboards for Sex / Creating safety for women’s bodies under the patriarchy
The NY Times recently published an article a few months ago about the steep rise in breast reduction surgery. One of the reasons for this rise the article states, are women saying they made the choice because they were over sexualized.
These women chose to undergo a major invasive surgery full of all sorts of complications and possibly loose sensation in their breasts because they were tired of the male gaze.
Read that again.
I was almost one of those women. I have not had surgery and have resolved most likely that I won’t. But I wanted to for most of my life. If I had the money I would have by now.
Being over sexualized was how my life has been from as far back as I can remember. As soon as I turned 12 my gigantic breasts (it looked like at the time on my tiny body) seemed to arrive overnight. I was teased in 6th grade and called Dolly (Parton). Multiple adult men decided to reach down my shirt or make out with me then too. I knew my breasts were giant ads for sex that I was running, without my own consent.
If I found a shirt I loved and it fit me well then I would be taking a risk to wear it. I began wearing vintage clothes that were gloriously interesting and beautiful and spoke to me as art (I still love vintage). But I became constantly torn between my love of fashion and the comfort and safety of a baggy t-shirt so I could get through the day without being a billboard for sex.
Toss into the mix that my family was in a religion that taught me that I was in the camp of the original sin of Eve. That poor Biblical version of the first woman who discovered she was naked and had to cover herself immediately. I was similarly told that my body was something to be hidden and sex was shameful to think about unless you were married.
My mom would inform me that my dad said my top was cut too low and all the men were looking at me. How did no one ever notice that he was the one looking?
I was 15 then and it would be another few decades before I began to untangle the reality of complete helplessness and toxic beliefs that our society and the religion had insidiously woven into every fiber inside my skin. I know now I was not alone.
As a 52 year old I still dress based on my mood, and my ability to stand in my power that day. If you see me in a sassy tight fitting number you’ll know I am feeling good, which also actually means I am in the right head space for telling off / ignoring anyone who finds themselves a bit handsy, or wants to yell at me out the car window.
Because that is the reality all women live in regardless of their cup size. We are part of a secret society none of asked to be in. A world in which we are all taking risks every single day just by leaving our homes, regardless of our outfit choice. The outfit only adds to the risks.
Casual mentions of how you crossed the street to be safe, men catcalling, or getting to your car safely at night are just part of regular conversations with other women.
I remember talking to a guy friend during the #metoo movement. He had read an article but found it hard to believe that so many women had these experiences. They were exaggerated right? I had never had any of that happen right? I had grown so accustomed to what men do to women that it never occurred to me to speak about it to him in all our years of living together and being friends.
In fact the #metoo movement was another layer of revelation for me. The stories of what was considered abusive made me realize just how much I had accepted as ‘no big deal’ and ‘just the way it is’. Many other women I began talking with at that time had the same realization. I was never even outraged about all these experiences until the metoo movement.
In my work life I discovered boudoir photography. I was already doing portraits with women to help them reconnect to their own self love and acceptance. Boudoir photography blew the doors off that idea. Now over 10 years in I can say that this work is my calling.
Putting myself in front of the lens is just as important as the work I do for other women. Owning my body in new ways, a little differently and a little more every time I take portraits of it.
These curvy smooth bumpy ruddy glowing amazing skins, legs, butts, breasts and faces are gorgeous delightful works of art. Women need the reminders in every fucking space they can get them, that not only are we perfect just the way we are (a rant for another post) but that we can show off our body safely - even if only to ourselves.
Because our bodies deserve to feel wholly and completely safe. Even for just the brief time with someone like me holding safe space for celebration and freedom. Taking back the autonomy of your own sexuality is a powerful force in your life and helping women give the middle finger to the patriarchy is my calling.
Reminding us that we are much more than just a billboard for sex. We are our own sacred feminine being and deserve to be respected as such.
Learn more about the work I do with women including community events and workshops here.
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